#033. Being Enough and Not-enough

Just another awkward truth of being human

After ten years of deep healing work, I abruptly decided that I am now done healing. Fin and finito. It’s not because I think I am perfect or want an excuse to stay in my comfort zone. Rather, I am finally starting to understand that accepting my imperfection as normal, universal, and inevitable removes the compulsion to label it as a problem.

Imperfection is part of this whole “being human” deal. No amount of “work” will ultimately undo the parts of me that are mortal and finite. But, I don’t want to worry about money, sweat from my armpits, or fart after eating dairy! Sigh. I’m coming to understand that a subconscious rejection of this truth has always been a source of nagging stress for me.

One time at Burning Man, I came upon an EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) tapping workshop. In the dusty tent, the facilitator led us to close our eyes, rhythmically tap various points on our body, and repeat affirmations like, “I am enough. I forgive myself. I deserve love. I love myself. I am enough.”

What I thought would be a roll-my-eyes kind of experience turned out to be a deeply profound healing one. It broke through some veiled backlog of self-rejection that needed processing. It helped me realize that the self-rejection of our humanity is not always easy to recognize because it hides behind its duality - that we are also intangible, transcendent, and infinite human spirit.

“Of Starfish and Stardust” by Maymie Chan

Our very existence is living in duality. The beautiful truth of “I am enough.” is always joined by its twin, “I am not enough.” While it is true that as one person, each of us can make a difference, it is also true that each of us is but one person.

I think my subconcious tries to remind me that both are true. For instance, there was a period of my life when I was meditating and doing all this stuff in attempts to “transcend” the human BS. Except, the more work I did, the more inadequate I felt.

I would repeat the affirmation, “I am enough,” but instead of feeling calm and relaxed, I would be even more triggered by reminders of Not-enoughness. A skipped workout, saying the wrong thing, having messy feelings, whatever. The work had become a painful growing reminder of my human shortcomings rather than the solution.

But there I go again, referring to my shortcomings as a problem. Is it though? Maybe it’s not a problem. Maybe the pain, discomfort, and distress are the language of awareness to make sure we don’t bypass something important - the paradox that imperfection makes us whole, makes us human.

Perhaps when we start to recognize this beautiful awesome truth, we can cut ourselves some slack. Yes, we can be imperfect and still love ourselves, still be loved, and still get to work making this world a better place.