#034. "Wait, Do I have ADHD?" A Quest to Understand Myself Through the Lens of ADHD
Finally sat down to write down and share my ADHD-Depression experience from last year. Nine pages in three hours? I think my ADHD interventions are working… This is Part 1.
Author’s Note: High functioning adults with undiagnosed ADHD often suffer needlessly from depression, anxiety, substance-abuse, or low-self-esteem. Treating ADHD in a way that is tailored to my needs has been key to my well-being. From my challenges navigating the healthcare system, to my self-diagnosis, to blending conventional and supplemental interventions. I’ll be releasing my experience step-by-step. Ultimately, my year-long detour into the world of ADHD is helping me live a happier, healthier, and more productive life. I hope this series helps do the same for you.
Into the ADHD Rabbit Hole
If Me-From-Today told Me-From-Fourteen-Months-Ago that I would sleep better, focus longer, procrastinate less, have less trouble initiating tasks, better follow-up with people, better follow-through with projects, be happier, more energetic, more patient, more present, and less agitated mentally, physically, and emotionally by addressing ADHD rather than my depression, I would’ve scoffed.
“I don’t have ADHD,” I would’ve retorted. Needless to say, along with the cultural narrative, I didn’t find this labeling to be very sexy.
But what started as research into how to help my brother’s ADHD turned into over a year of personal investigation and calculated interventions with my own ADHD-like tendencies.
Do I have ADHD? How did it come to be? How is it affecting me in ways I don’t even know? Should I get diagnosed? What is the worst that can happen if ADHD goes untreated?
I’ve always been motivated to make changes that will help me live my life to the fullest. Unfortunately “not feeling my best” and not having a clear or active disease process meant the healthcare system didn’t know what to do with me. Fortunately, I had expected this as a Functional Medicine (FM) trained practitioner.
FM Practitioners like me are used to people presenting with ambiguous symptoms and are trained to navigate the process and outcomes in a way that is both data-driven and patient-centered. This means understanding that although “the numbers” may look good, it may not always align with how the person feels - especially if you LOOK young or healthy.
ADHD is a whole person, whole life experience that affects everything from mental health, to physical health, to relationships and work, too. My ADHD experience shows how I approached my ADHD symptoms holistically as both a Functional Medicine patient and practitioner.
It’s possible to address your ADHD symptoms so you can have the life you wish and can create even without an ADHD diagnosis. A “No” is just one person’s opinion on a journey where self-discovery is the impetus to healing. That said, if you believe that your life is severely debilitated by ADHD, I still recommend advocating for a proper evaluation with a trained ADHD specialist.
Not Once, but Twice Exceptional
If I had ADHD back in the 90s, it was totally masked by the intensity I channeled into school. I loved school, I loved getting good grades, I loved homework. I also liked to work fast, but mostly because I wanted to get to the “fun” assignments in extra credit.
It’s likely if you matched this intensity in school in the 90s, you would’ve been placed into the GATE (Gifted and Talented Education) program. GATE kids got extra “enrichment”. Maybe across space-time, you and I played Oregon Trail and learned to type with Mavis Beacon together.
Today, GATE is long gone'; in its place is 2E, or “Twice Exceptional”. Let me clarify that “exceptional” here doesn’t mean “twice the awesome” unfortunately. “Exceptional” refers to falling far beyond the bell curve - at least three standard deviations in both directions.
The first exception refers to everything GATE was able to identify - namely intelligence, but also creativity, curiosity, persistence or whatever quality allowed us to excel. However, the second exception refers to the challenges that GATE bypassed. The first exceptions were so exceptional that the challenges went masked for years - unnoticed and therefore unaddressed.
These challenges are mostly divergent qualities in Executive Function (EF), which Neurodivergent writer and Social Worker Jillian Enright describes as, “the part of your brain that allows you to exert self-control, plan for your future in a thoughtful way, and adapt to changes in your environment.”
I see EF as my inner “Responsible Adult”. It helps me make plans, stick to said plans, pivot when necessary, focus, execute tasks, meet deadlines, get me to places on time, organize my calendar, make and follow a budget, estimate how much time, money, energy, and space something takes, calm big emotions, process said emotions, use words, stop risky behaviors to keep me alive.
But in the ADHD brain, a poor diet, lack of exercise, low sleep quality/quantity, and umanaged stress disproprotionately affect executive function. One tell-tale sign is inconsistent behaviors and indecisiveness starts to show. It’s like “the adult has left the building”. And while those factors affect everyone, the ADHD brain is particularly susceptible.
I experienced this in college, almost like the unstructured environment brought out the worst of my underdeveloped executive functions. I procrastinated, frequently missed deadlines, changed majors five or six times, slept erratically, ate erratically, exercised erratically, and once didn’t even bother to drop a class.
I’m not shirking off taking responsibility of my life because of ADHD, but it sure does help me understand why suddenly I became an inconsistent performer when I knew myself as an overachiever previously.
Where To From Here?
To this day, I consider it a miracle that I graduated from UCLA with a 3.3. GPA in Linguistics and Psychology, managed to finish graduate school Magna Cum Laude, and landed a competitive job with a six figure salary. I absolutely did not get here alone and have my family and community to provide the support, stability, and structure needed to get here.
I refuse to blame ADHD for all my struggles, but I can’t help but wonder how much easier things could’ve been or where I’d be in life had I been helped to grow out of it.
Oh well. I believe overcoming adversity leads to growth and I believe in second chances. Awareness of my ADHD-tendencies has given me both of those opportunities. I could finally decoupled self-doubt, laziness, and inconsistency from who I am as a person because I understand how delayed executive function development had affected my self-esteem, productivity, and happiness.
There’s so much more that I want from life! I want to live in other countries and learn other languages. I want to get my yoga teacher certification, learn hip hop dance, take singing lessons, and to play the electric guitar. On top of that, I want to start a family and a business.
All of this feels possible again since starting my interventions. Yet, even more so than before, I recognize that getting there means ADHD self-awareness and mastering executive function.
To be continued… In the meantime, what made you wonder if you have ADHD?
#034. "Wait, Do I have ADHD?" A Quest to Understand Myself Through the Lens of ADHD
I can attest that Maymie was like Bradley Cooper in that Limitless movie when she wrote this