#042. Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist
Thoughts about cancer and the (im)perfection of the human body
Author’s Note: Happy thanksgiving my beloved readers. You are why I keep writing. Love y’all.
It wasn’t good news. “The tumor has gotten almost thirty percent bigger,” said the endocrinologist. The truth was that hundreds of hours and tens of thousands of dollars spent on out-of-pocket alternative cancer treatments didn’t work. I still had cancer and couldn’t avoid surgery, but I felt relieved anyway.
Finally this war of a perfectionist against her imperfect human body was ending. In the peace, I could start healing.
***
How did I become a perfectionist? And when did I turn that perfectionism towards my own body? I’m not sure, but I put a lot of pressure on myself as a clinician to lead by example for my patients at the community health clinic.
At first it was just modeling good habits like walking 10k steps per day or eating more dietary fiber. But with each next superfood I ate, health article I read, and yoga class I went to, my ego reached for higher and higher pedastals.
Unknowingly I started to believe that “Doctors don’t get sick. I, don’t get sick.”
***
With cancer, her voice became louder. Her shaming, a whip. Her name was Yogananda Yolanda and she reminded me of my inadequacies everytime I slept less than eight hours, chowed down on a whole bag of potato chips, or skipped yoga to watch Netflix.
She wasn’t even real, just an annoying voice in my head. Weilding my gluttony and sloth as her weapons of shame.
***
As a perfectionist, the human body was the original sin. Us and our mortality, morbidities, and messiness. What a rude reminder of our deviation from God and our imperfection.
I was tired of sinning, just by existing.
***
When I was in my twenties, I was obsessed with this quote:
“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” - Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
It promised that we could transcend the imperfection of being human by tuning into our spiritual selves. But, this was just half of the story.
As I’ve gotten older, I understand my experience framed as so:
“We are not merely human beings having a spiritual experience. We are also spiritual beings having a human experience.”
This way, I’m reminded that our humanity is tethered to the experiences of the human body. To be in a human body is to be a masochist. There is no spiritual growth without overcoming this adversity. It is our rite of passage into the “higher” self. Whatever that may mean.
***
Einstein’s reverence for God deepened as he learned more about the nature of the universe through quantum physics. Similarly, the more I learn about the human body through anatomy, physiology, neuroscience and my own experience, the more awe I have for the body’s innate intelligence.
A tumor looks like an imperfect solution. But actually, it is a protective mechanism, sequestering cancer cells locally to buy time. This way, the person has a chance to come across the thing that may make a life or death difference.
A perfect solution for an imperfect situation.
***
I pause to inhale “good enough,” and exhale to let go of “not enough.” It is a balm for the perfectionist wounds on my soul.
“Good enough” is laughing out loud to a hilarious but politically-incorrect joke.
“Good enough” is enjoying take-out from Burma Superstar even if it’s the third time we’re eating out this week.
“Good enough” is dancing in my mother-in-laws’s ill-fitting baggy leggings because I forgot to bring my own to Thanksgiving day Jazzercise.
“Good enough” is the scar on my throat that reminds me of thyroid cancer.
“Good enough” is showing up late to my own going-away party because of poor time-management and still having fun.
“Good enough” is learning the five apology languages in order to properly own up to my mistakes.
“Good enough” marks a life of imperfection, uncertainty, and consequences.
“Good enough” is living a work in progress and still showing up to deliver.
“Good enough” is knowing that never enough is also good enough.
Thank you to these wonderful people for helping to generate and evolve this post! Morgan Kitzmiller, Derek Wong,
, Alex Exum,. They are amazing writers in their own right and I hope you check them out!Related Posts:
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#022. Reconciling with the Ghosts of Me: Part 1
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"I pause to inhale “good enough,” and exhale to let go of “not enough.” It is a balm for the perfectionist wounds on my soul."
Just tried this and think I'll adopt it. Beautiful read, Maymie
Thanks for reminding us that good enough is pretty good!